YOU CAN ALSO GET HELP BY CALLING THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
You can get help by e-mailing ndvh@ndvh.org, though this is not an emergency e-mail contact.
If you need immediate assistance, please call the Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
The person who answers the Hotline will care about you, and will understand your feelings about what is going on in your life. That person may be able to help you make important decisions about your safety. If you are living in a home that is not a safe place, please call for help. Sometimes it helps to know you are not alone.
Contact us if you need information, advice, or just someone to offer you some compassion and care.
The Hotline will be able to tell you about domestic violence shelters in your area. Domestic violence shelters are staffed by many caring people who can help you in many ways, including:
- Temporary emergency shelter for victims and their children
- Transportation to shelters with law enforcement back-up
- Counseling, individually and in groups
- Referrals to legal, medical, financial, child care and employment services
- Children's programs to help school age children
- Food, clothing and household articles to help set up a new household
If you are a victim of domestic violence, it's time to start thinking about your personal safety. Don't wait any longer!
* Every year in the United States there are over 3 million incidents of domestic violence. That means that every nine seconds someone is beaten by their domestic partner!
* Every year over 4000 victims of domestic violence are killed.
* 95% of domestic violence victims are women. Domestic violence
causes more injuries to women in the U.S. between the ages of 15 and 44 than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
* Nearly a third of the women who seek care from hospital emergency rooms are there for injuries resulting from domestic violence.
* The fact that you are reading this is a very good sign! It means that you are seriously considering your situation. We hope you will begin to explore the options that are available to you.
1. Try to find someone you can trust to confide in.
If you have a friend who cares about your safety, tell them about the abuse. It helps sometimes to share with another person about the abuse. I you have already left an abusive relationship and are feeling lonely, you may be tempted to return. Talk this out with a friend.
2. Don't let anyone talk you into taking action that doesn't feel right to you.
You are the only one who knows if you're ready to leave your relationship, or seek emergency shelter, or go to the police.
3. Leave some emergency items with a friend.
This could be money, a set of car keys, a change of clothes and copies of important documents. Think of the things you might need if you have to leave your home in a hurry.
4. Ask a friend to go with you to important appointments.
Sometimes you will need moral support when going to medical appointments, to the police, to court, or to see a lawyer.
5. Make sure a friend knows about your safety plan.
Discuss this booklet with a friend. Talk about the kinds of abuse you are experiencing. Let a friend help you make your Personal Safety Plan and give that friend a copy of the plan.
Let your friends help you.
Batterers want to control their domestic partners through fear and they do this by abusing them physically, sexually, psychologically, emotionally and economically. Domestic Violence can take many forms. Here are some of them:
Physical Abuse
* Hitting, Slapping, Kicking
* Choking
* Pushing
* Punching or Beating
What is domestic violence, anyway?
Sexual Violence
* Forcing sex on an unwilling partner
* Demanding sexual acts that the victim does not want to perform
* Making sexual remarks to the victim in public
* Degrading treatment
Isolating the Victim
* Making it hard for the victim to see or talk to friends or family
* Monitoring phone calls and/or e-mail
* Reading the victim's mail
* Controlling where the victim can go
* Taking the victim's car keys
* Undermining the victim's relationships with family/friends
Harassment
* Embarrassing the victim in public
* Stalking or following
* Constantly monitoring the victim
* Making threats
* Making threatening phone calls
Abusing Trust
* Lying
* Being unfaithful
* Breaking promises
* Withholding information
Self Destructive Behavior
* Drug or alcohol abuse
* Threatening self-harm or suicide
* Driving recklessly
* Deliberately doing things that will cause trouble
(like fighting with a co-worker or boss).
Breaking the Cycle of Violence
The Power and Control Wheel
The Power and Control Wheel shows the relationship between different behaviors that together form a pattern of violence. The wheel shows how each behavior, though seemingly unrelated, is a part of a batterer's effort to control another person.
ASSAULTIVE AND COERCIVE BEHAVIOR
The Power and Control Wheel was originally created by The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN. This version was created by Turning Point.Domestic Violence Services.
REMEMBER: Domestic violence is never an isolated incident or a one-time occurence. Rather it is a form of power and control that increases in severity and frequency over time and is cyclical in nature. The three stages in the cycle of violence are readily apparent, recognizable and even predictable if one is familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence.
The Equality Wheel
The Equality Wheel shows a relationship that is based on equality, mutual respect and non-violence. Compare the characteristics of a non-violent relationship to those of an abusive one on the Power and Control Wheel.
Domestic Violence is just a momentary loss of temper.
FACT :
Domestic abuse is just the opposite of a "momentary loss of temper." The batterer makes a conscious decision to batter. It is an ongoing technique used by the batterer to enforce control through the use of fear and intimidation.
MYTH #2:
Domestic violence only happens in poor families.
FACT:
Domestic violence occurs throughout all levels of society. There is no evidence that suggests that any income level, occupation, social class, or culture is immune from domestic violence. Wealthy, educated, professionals are just as prone to violence as anyone.
MYTH #3:
Domestic violence is just an occasional slap or punch that isn't serious.
FACT:
Victims are often seriously injured. Over 30% of the women seeking care in hospital emergency rooms are there because they have been injured by their domestic partners. Battered women are more likely to suffer miscarriages or to give birth prematurely.
Myths and Facts:
MYTH #4:
Heads of households have the right to control the people they support.
FACT:
No partner in a domestic relationship has the right to control the other partner.
MYTH #5:
The victim can always walk away from the relationship.
FACT:
Victims usually do not have any place to go where they will be safe from the batterer. Because of the ongoing history of the abusive relationship, the batterer knows all of the victim's options and can follow. It takes money, a support network, and time for detailed planning to ensure that a victim can escape. Sometimes it's safer for the victim to stay with the batterer for the time being than to try and escape.
MYTH #6:
If the batterer is truly sorry and promises to reform, the abuse is going to stop.
FACT:
Remorse and begging for forgiveness are part of the method used by batterers to control their victims. Batterers rarely stop battering.
MYTH #7:
If the violent episodes don't happen very often the situation is not that serious.
FACT:
Even if the violence doesn't happen often, the threat of it remains as a terrorizing means of control. No matter how far apart the violent episodes are, each one is a reminder of the one that happened before and creates fear of the one that will happen in the future.
MYTH #8:
Victims have the types of personalities that seek out and encourage abuse.
FACT:
A number of studies have determined that there is no set of personality traits that describe victims of domestic violence. It is the batterer who is responsible for the battering, not the victim.
While one form of abuse can certainly occur without the other, the tragic reality is that anytime a mother is abused by her husband or partner, her children are also affected in both overt and suble ways.
* When a mother is abused, her children see it, hear it, sense it.
* When a mother is abused, her children feel confusion, stress, fear.
* When a mother is abused, her children may feel guilty that they can't protect her, or that they are the cause of the strife. If she leaves, they may feel responsible for the family breakup.
* When a mother is abused, her children (particularly sons) are more likely to grow up to repeat the destructive relationship patterns they saw in their early lives.
* When a mother is abused, her children may also be physically abused, or they may be neglected while the mother attempts to deal with her own trauma.
Woman Abuse Is Child Abuse
Children Suffer Too
In fact, studies reveal that . . .
* Children of battered women show distress in a wide range of physical and emotional problems.
* Children from violent homes get sick more often and generally have more health problems than children from non-violent homes; these include headaches, ulcers, abdominal complaints and bedwetting. If the children are themselves abused, their health problems are even greater.
* Psychological and emotional problems are more frequent in children of abused women. Preschoolers particularly show below-average self-concept and less empathy for others, while school-age boys are likely to be more agressive and show more behavioral problems than both girls of battered mothers and children from non-violent homes.
* Depression, anxiety, fear, eating and sleep disorders, regressive behaviors and guilt are common in children of battered women.
* The rate of child abuse is from six to fifteen times higher in families where the mother is abused compared to families where the mother is not abused.
* Of women coming to shelters, more than half report that their children are also physically, emotionally and sometimes sexually abused; the child abuser is two to three times more likely to be the woman's abuser than the battered woman herself.
* Many battered women report that their abusers threaten or attack the children as a way to control and hurt the mothers even more.
* Studies of abused children in the general population reveal that nearly half of them have mothers who are also abused, making wife abuse the single strongest identifiable risk factor for child abuse.
The Boy Children
Children (particularly boys) of battered women are at a great risk of repeating the patterns they saw as children when they become adults:
While the "common wisdom" holds that abused women are just repeating the victimization they saw their mothers suffer, comparative studies actually show that battered women are only slightly more likely than non-battered women to have come from homes where they or their mothers were abused.
* In contrast, abusers are six times more likely to have seen their fathers beating their mothers than non-abusers (one study showed 45% of abusers had seen their mothers abused as compared to 7.5% of non-abusers). And almost 82% of those boys witnessing spouse abuse were also abused themselves, thus confirming a strong relationship between spouse abuse and child abuse.
* Our culture already encourages boys to act aggressively, to show and take power physically, to see girls as weak and easy prey; the culture encourages girls to act submissively, and to accept the domination of a male as the norm. These values reinforce boys' early experience of a violent home, increasing the likelihood that they will become abusers. Societal values encourage girls, no matter what their background of abuse, to accept how their husbands or boyfriends treat them, to expect that boys/men will use physical means to maintain control of their surroundings and the people in them.
* Because woman abuse is child abuse, the children of an abused woman are also in need of our careful, loving attention. We must remember these interconnections as we attempt to eradicate family violence through services, education and public policy.
* We must help them avoid the vicious trap of learned patterns by teaching and modeling non-violent methods of conflict resolution and by helping them express their feelings in healthy, respectful ways.
* Social service and child protective agencies, schools and churches . . . all of us should be responsive to victims of family violence. We should have educate ourselves on the cycle of violence, the victimization issues for families in conflict and the appropriate intervention for battered women and their children.
For most mothers, the needs of the children weigh heavily. Many domestic violence workers provide services of care and support to children who live in a violent household. These children are abused children.
Families and friends can intervene when we see or suspect abuse of women or children. We can refuse to accept the deadly myth that we should mind our own business and keep out of private family matters. We must recognize that our silence helps reinforce the shame and pain battered women and children have so long felt, and encourages a new generation of batterers.
Only by acknowledging the often silent pain of the children in a battered woman's life, by reaching out to all the victims of domestic violence, can we achieve success in our efforts to bring home the dream of a peaceful life for all women and children.
The Dream of a Peaceful Family
Abusers are six times more likely to have seen their fathers beating their mothers than non-abusers (one study showed 45% of abusers had seen their mothers abused as compared to 75% of non-abusers). And almost 82% of boys who witnesses the abuse of their mothers were also abused themselves, thus confirming a strong relationship between spouse abuse and child abuse.
The information in this section was excerpted from Woman Abuse Is Child Abuse, which was published with Victim of Crime Act funds received pursuant to an agreement between Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence and The Illinois Criminal Justice Information Authority.
NON-VIOLENT BEHAVIOR
Dr. Lenore Walker first identified the cycle of violence in her book, The Battered Woman, based on her research of women who had been in abusive relationships. Walker describes three phases of the battering cycle: the tension building phase, the acute battering incident and the honeymoon phase.
Phase I: The Tension Building
During this phase, the tension between a couple builds and arguments erupt easily. This is when accusations are made, everyday occurrences become unbearable disturbances and tension in the environment increases. There may be violent verbal outbursts, strained silences or sulking. Many women describe this as "walking on eggshells". This phase may last only a day or two, or it could go on for several months or even years.
HONEYMOON PHASE
Phase III: The Honeymoon Phase
In this phase of the cycle, the batterer makes many apologies and promises that will never happen again. There may be a honeymoon-like euphoria while the couple "makes up" with presents, flowers, romantic dinners out. The victim begins to hope that the batterer is genuinely remorseful, and chooses to believe that the violence will not happen again. This phase slowly dissolves into the tension building phase, and the cycle repeats itself.
ACUTE INCIDENT
Phase II: Acute Incident
In this stage, the actual "fighting" occurs and the violence has escalatedin intensity. There may be slapping, pushing, hitting, biting, kicking, or shoving. A weapon may be used, or there may be threats of the use of a weapon. Sexual violence may occur. The acute incident may escalate to erious physical assault or even murder.
THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
Coercion
* Pushing the victim into decisions
* Making the victim feel guilty
* Making up impossible "rules" and punishing
the victim for breaking them
* Forcing the victim to do certain things
Emotional Withholding
* Not giving compliments or expressing feelings
* Not paying attention
* Not respecting the victim's feelings and opinions
1.Memorize important phone numbers of friends and relatives you can call in an emergency. If your children are old enough, teach them important phone numbers, including when and how to dial 911.
2.Print this document and keep it in a safe place so that you can find it when you need to review it and so that your batterer does not find it.
3.Keep change for pay phones with you at all times.
4.If you can, open your own bank account.
5.Stay in touch with friends and neighbors. Resist any temptation to cut yourself off from people even if you feel like you just want to be left alone.
6.Rehearse your escape plan until you know it by heart.
7.Leave a set of car keys, extra money, a change of clothes and copies of the following documents with a friend or relative:
- Temporary emergency shelter for victims and their children
